#1in4

Miscarriage, I came to notice at my own cost, is a very taboo subject. You are pregnant and then suddenly you aren’t anymore. In most cases no one will ever see the baby, it just gets lost in the womb. Or it’s a still birth so it was never alive. You never got to bring your baby home so does it count? Are you allowed to grieve? For the outside world that little human never really existed. No one is going to understand your pain and grieve with you. You most probably are going to go through it alone unless you have a strong support system.

My story

My period was late 1 day according to my calculations and I knew there was a possibility I might be pregnant. We had talked about making a baby and the last time we had seen each other I knew I was close to ovulation. I had been tracking my cycle for a while as he lives far and we needed to be effective about this when we would decide to finally do it. There hadn’t been a clear decision to start trying but as we knew we wanted a baby I didn’t see the point in being careful not to get pregnant.

So, on the 2nd of September I went to the store and bought 2 home pregnancy tests as well as 2 early pregnancy tests in case my cycle had been 2-3 days longer as it had already happened before. On a funny note, that day I ran into a guy I used to crush on at that store, life has some curious ways sometimes.

I went on grocery shopping and then came home not trying to think or stress about it. One of my friends had just had a miscarriage and I know a lot of couples try to get pregnant for a long time before it actually happens so I wasn’t really thinking it had worked on the first try.
I went to pee on the stick only after putting away all groceries in the kitchen. I peed on both tests and turned them face down. My heart was racing when I came back in the bathroom 3 minutes later to read the results.

Two pink stripes…holly molly…there was a little human growing inside of me…. someone was going to call me Mommy. My biggest dream coming true. I was shaking, crying and laughing. I didn’t know what to do, who to tell and if I should tell someone, not even the daddy. It was too huge to keep it to myself, I decided to tell my two best friends and three of my closest cousins. The people who knew how much I wanted this and who I knew would be as excited as I was. And I texted the daddy to schedule a skype call that day. My cousins and my friends were thrilled, it had finally happened.
I skyped with Daddy a bit later. I was a bit anxious about his reaction but I went straight to the point telling him I was late and the pregnancy tests were positive. He was surprised and said I must be very fertile for it to happen that easily. But he was happy too and said he would come see me as soon as possible. Then he asked me if I had told anyone, I answered with a yes. He thought I should wait until 3 months before telling anyone else and I shouldn’t have told it in the first place.

I used to think that getting pregnant and having a baby was the most natural and normal thing to do. Little did I know I was going to learn it wasn’t. I had that friend who had had issues just a few weeks earlier but she had fertility problems so it was a special case I thought. No one else around me had had any issues with their pregnancies, I didn’t see why I should be an exception to that, which I was going to be.

On the next day, I took another test which was still positive. I called my ob-gyn for an ultrasound which I had less than 2 weeks later, on the 14th. In the meantime, I had told my parents, who reacted surprisingly positively, considering the fact I never told them I was seeing someone, and my brothers who were very happy for me. And had had 2 bank appointments to possibly buy an apartment. My life was finally going to change and having a purpose.

Everything looked ok. My doc said my left ovary had ovulated and the placenta was located exactly where it should be in the uterus. The baby wasn’t to be seen yet because I was still under 6 weeks so she scheduled another appointment for October 3rd.

I had a bit of very light pinkish blood 2-3 days before the first appointment which she said was normal and I didn’t need to worry about that. So, I didn’t worry as I continued to lose very small amounts of blood every other day. I had been reading and researching pregnancy stuff online and these also said that light blood shedding wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I had a prayer I said any time in my head as soon as I woke up until I went to sleep:

“My body is capable to grow a healthy and happy baby to term.

My baby, you are loved, cherished and warmly welcomed into this world.

Your daddy and I already love you and we will give you a happy and blessed life no matter what.

You are wanted and I can’t wait to see your little face.

Dear God watch over me and my baby. Please keep it safe and healthy in my womb until it is full term.

May the positive forces of the Universe envelop us for a good pregnancy.”

 

I started talking to the baby immediately when I knew I was expecting and playing classic music for it as I heard that it makes intelligent babies.
I would tell it how much I already loved it and his daddy too.

I would feel very tired and nauseous but I never had to throw up. My boobs were hurting and my bras were starting to be too small.

I was almost 9 weeks along and so excited to see it on the second appointment. I couldn’t wait to send a picture to its daddy.

My heart was racing when I sat on the chair with my naked behind. She went in and I saw it right away. There was nothing…just a black hole, but no baby in it. My heart sank and she said straightforward: I’m sorry to tell you that you have an empty sac, which means the baby didn’t grow and at this stage it’s not going to grow anymore. You can get dressed and come to my office. All I could do was nod and say Ok. My heart was broken.

How was it possible? Just a few moments ago I was happy and excited, I was going to be a mother, they were instructing me all the administrative steps for my job and family allowances and so on and now I had to sit there and hear about how I should wait for “it” to come out naturally.
My ob-gyn explained to me that it was a clear egg, or blighted ovum. The egg is fertilized but at some point, the embryo stops developing because of genetic malfunctions. That specific egg and that specific sperm didn’t go well together. It usually doesn’t mean that there is an underlying problem or that a future pregnancy will end the same way. That’s it, it’s nature.

She thought I should wait ten days and see if it would come out. If nothing would happen I had to return see her to get some vaginal pills to dilate the cervix and make the placenta come out.

I came home and told my mother who had the coldest reaction. She asked what the doctor suggested to do and expressed that she thought I should get a curettage right away. She didn’t show any sign of being sorry for me which was hurtful because I thought that as a mother, she would understand and give me a bit of comfort but all she did was ask me to print some copies for her. I was even more hurt, I will never forget that.

I called in sick at work on that day and sank into my bed and cried. I was in shock. I was pregnant and having all the symptoms but I wasn’t really pregnant. I tried to call my partner but it was still night where he was so I left him a message telling him there was no baby.
He then called me a couple hours later. I managed that day not to cry on the phone but I struggled finding the words to explain the situation. He was thinking as I said “there is no baby” that I had a phantom pregnancy, but phantom pregnancies don’t have a placenta growing in the uterus and as much as I want a child I am a very down to earth person with my two feet on the ground.
He kept that belief in his mind and he was so busy that he just went on with his life not really thinking about it or me I guess.

Here I was having to go through this alone, that’s what happens when you decide to have kids with an extremely busy man who lives thousands of miles away and who basically thinks you are crazy, and when the people you feel closest to all live in another country.

I think it’s something really delicate that only women who have been through can understand. Someone told me: “Oh you were only 8 weeks pregnant, well it can happen” like I was supposed to get over it because everyone knows that there is a risk in the 1st trimester.

No, no, no you don’t just get over it. During these 8 weeks, you build hopes and dreams, more than at any other time of your life. You imagine how your life is going to change, you think about names, whether it’s going to be a boy or a girl. Will it have daddy’s pretty eyes and mommy’s nice hair? What car seat am I going to get? And I need a stroller that’s good to travel because baby and I are going to see the world together. There is so much you anticipate already not thinking one single minute that it can be taken away from you just like that. So many women have carried babies, after all it’s the most normal thing to do. I felt like my body had failed me, like I failed my baby and my partner. Will I ever get pregnant again? What if I’m not able to carry a baby? Why wasn’t I able to have this baby? I asked my baby for forgiveness, I was so devastated. No scientific explanation can comfort you. Why me? Why us? What did I do so wrong to deserve this? God help me! Prayer is my only comfort.

Seven days later, as nothing was happening, I returned to my doctor. I couldn’t wait anymore, I just wanted it to be over. It was so hard sitting in this waiting room with these healthy pregnant women. One woman came in with her newborn and sat right next to me. It was the hardest thing to contain my tears. Fortunately, she didn’t make me wait too long, she gave me these vaginal pills. I got back home and inserted the first two pills and the two others 4 hours later like she said I should do. I started having cramps and bleeding like a period only with clots. The cramps weren’t as painful as I thought they would be. But as I was bleeding I thought everything was ok. I had period like bleeding for 3 days and then very light bleeding during almost two weeks until one day I started to have heavy bleedings and unbearable cramps. I took painkillers and it got better but on the next day I had to be brought to emergency in the afternoon. The pads weren’t containing the blood anymore. After exams, they scheduled a curettage for the next day first thing in the morning. The abundant bleeding had become reasonable and the pain was ok with the help of the painkillers.
I informed my partner about the situation. That’s when he thought that maybe there might have been something. I had to explain again how the baby didn’t grow but the placenta did and it didn’t all get out and now I had to have surgery. We talked on skype and he tried to cheer me up.
I got to go back home on the same day, after the procedure, late in the afternoon after having seen the doctor who did the surgery. She told me everything had gone well and I should make an appointment with my ob-gyn four weeks later for a follow up.

I got to stay at home on sick leave one week. I was still in some kind of a black hole trying to process it all on my own. Some friends would text me or call me trying to lift my spirits but it was in vain. I only needed one person and he wasn’t there for me. He was too busy to think of supporting me.

I found some sort of support on online groups from other women going through the same thing. It really seems like they are the only ones capable of understanding that pain.

I’ve had lost track of my body’s clockwork and became obsessed with getting back in control but my body wasn’t functioning normally anymore. I had some light bleeding around the time I was supposed to have my period the following month but then I started spotting very dark blood for several days.

I started documenting myself about how to get your hormones back to normal after a miscarriage, I replaced pregnancy books by books on the best natural ways to balance hormones and how to track your cycle to maximize your chances to get pregnant. I bought expensive all natural vitamins and herbal supplements to help produce the best possible eggs in the future and to balance hormones. I also had blood work done to check my thyroid which thank God is functioning normally.

I got the response why my body was still acting up on the day I went to my doctor for the follow up on the 29th of November. There was still placenta in my uterus and it had to get out as quickly as possible. That’s why I was still losing blood.
I was freaking out. Debris in the uterus can lead to infections that can irreversibly affect your reproductive system.

My doctor called me on the next day late afternoon saying I should call the hospital on the next day to schedule an appointment with the anesthetist, which I did. The response I got from hospital admission center brought me completely down. I couldn’t get an appointment because the hospital wasn’t scheduling any more surgeries until the end of the year. I broke down completely. It was a Friday so my doctor wasn’t to be reached. I didn’t know what to do. In panic, I called another maternity clinic and explained the situation. They advised me to wait until Monday and then contact my doctor to try sort things out with her first. I think I cried all the tears I had left that day. Having children is my dearest wish and I was imagining the worst-case scenario where I would have complications and never be able to get pregnant again.
Ultimately, I had to wait until Monday morning to call my doctor. Her secretary told me that they were well aware of the fact that the hospital wasn’t scheduling surgeries, that they would call the hospital and get back to me. I was in complete disbelief… why hadn’t they sorted out that issue before putting me through that stress? I was going to change to another ob-gyn and I didn’t want to have anything to do with that hospital after that. I already had an appointment with a new doctor for the next week in case this wouldn’t work out.
They called me back in the afternoon saying everything was ok and that my surgery would be on Friday. I felt relieved but I was so angry at the same time.

It was December, a few days before my birthday and I was supposed to fly to see my partner. This dreadful situation had been going on for too long. How was I supposed to heal?
After it was all done I went to see the other doctor, who will be my ob-gyn from now on. She told me everything was fine now, my uterus and ovaries looked totally normal. I still went to the follow up my first ob-gyn had scheduled ten days after the second surgery. She told me it was all set and I should come back for routine checkup or when I get pregnant again. Right!!

 

This was, and still is the worst time of my life. I keep seeing pregnant women and babies everywhere and I have to distract my thoughts and contain my tears. Where did my baby go? Why was it taken from me? I try to be happy for my pregnant friends but my heart bleeds. It seems like everybody has the blessing of being pregnant, I had to unfollow so many girls on social media because I couldn’t bear the sight of their belly growing when mine isn’t. I can’t go to anyone’s baby shower because I don’t have that strength. Those who knew understand. Those who didn’t I have to explain or make up an excuse. When will this pain stop? Now I see all women differently, I wonder if like me they had to suffer such a cruel loss.

The point is you have to have a support system when going through a situation like that. Your partner, your family or friends. At this point I guess you have figured out that my partner and I don’t have a conventional relationship and that’s ok but it was really hard for me that he couldn’t be there and I came to realize that I resent him for that and I unconsciously pushed him away even after he promised it wouldn’t happen again and he would be present if I got pregnant again. I know he will be a great father once there is a baby but what about the nine months?

Now I’m scared, scared to get pregnant. If everything goes right I know I would be terrified of anything happening throughout the pregnancy. And if it goes wrong I’m scared of being left on my own again.

I am very proud of myself as I have managed to write this without crying. I hope if someone that has been through a similar situation reads this that it will help you. You are not alone and we need to speak up. One in four women suffer from miscarriage or infant loss.

I will leave you with something my cousin told me to cheer me up:

These are souls who finished their time in the cycle of reincarnation and are ready to become spirits of the light. The purest souls, who won’t incarnate again. Angels. You must be very special because that soul chose your womb to spend its last moments on earth. And it’s watching over you now.

Love, light and babydust <3

Xoxo

Laly, one in four

References of books and websites that helped me:

The Woman Code, Alisa Vitti

Natural Fertility Info

Taking charge of your fertility, Tony Weschler

Miscarriage and pregnancy loss

Trying to conceive after loss

If you are going through it and you wish to discuss it privately, please contact me through this form.

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My life, my trips